Who am I?

I sometimes often feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

I know who I was. I was a career woman. I was busy. I was important. People knew who I was.

Then we decided to have a baby. Looking back I don’t think I really knew what I was getting into, but I thought I was ready.
I don’t know if I would have ever been ready, if I knew how this all turned out.

I gave birth, and became a mother. The single most important job in my life.

I got involved in playgroups, coffee groups, music for tots, and all sorts of things. I had friends. I was happy.

I got pregnant again. A planned pregnancy. And it was hard. I lost the baby. A miscarriage. Tests were done. The baby was ‘incompatible with life’. Whatever that means.

I didn’t grieve. I thought if I could replace the lost baby with another one, it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

And so my second child came along. A reflux baby. I had post-natal depression. I didn’t know how bad I’d got. I clammed up. I thought that if I was a real mum, I’d be able to do it. That I should be able to cope. But I couldn’t. I had days where I just cried. I had times I wished I was dead. I felt guilty for not loving my babies as I thought I should. I tried. But my best was never good enough.

My husband told me it was over. That he wasn’t happy. After fighting for 13 years to keep it together, I agreed. It was over.

Alone with my children, I fell deeply in love with them. I adored being with them. Spending time with them. Playing with them. Cuddling them. Getting to know them. Being their mother. I finally got over the hatred for myself, at the fact that I couldn’t love my children. I started healing.

And then I fell in love. He had 3 kids, but I knew it was meant to be.

We moved in together, and I became a partner, and a step-mother overnight. Life wasn’t all roses, but it was worth the odd thorn.

But who am I now? A mother. A step-mother. A wife. A divorcee. Sometimes it feels like it’s hard to justify all the emotions that go with being all of these things at once.

Life is a process, of loving, hurting, forgiving, and moving on. I am forever changing.

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