Fat and Ugly

I have body issues. Always have had, and probably always will have. I know this is in part because of the bulling that I suffered.

I am fat. I am fully aware of this. I look awful in most clothes. I know what size I wear. I can take things off the shelf and will know if they will fit or not. I am aware of my size. I always thought I had a pretty face, just my body let it down.

So this story is hard for me to tell.

The other day I gave Miss S a facial, her first one ever. And while I was doing this, Mr S took some photos of us. I was excited. It was such a special bonding time for us, and I really enjoyed it. Miss S had a great time. It was just awesome.

So later on, when Miss S was fast asleep in bed, I looked over the photos that Mr S had taken. I was in shock. Who the hell was that fat, ugly woman in the pictures? Did I really look that bad? I had rolls everywhere, every inch I saw was just fat and more fat. Rolls on top of rolls. I cried. I honestly can’t believe, even now, that it was me. That I actually look that bad.

I have been this weight now for almost 8 years, after losing 40 kilos, I have plateaued. I have looked this bad for 8 years.

This started me down a very dangerous path. “Why does Mr S want to be with this?”

I don’t know what to do.

* A note to add that I am under specialist team regarding my diabetes, and due to medications I am on, I am not able to lose weight easily. They have told me time and time again that my health is more important than my weight.

Mrs K

Coke Zero addict, knitter, crocheter, fat, fabulous, fluffy mama.

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7 Responses

  1. Camille says:

    You may be overweight but you are not ugly!! Sometimes I wonder why my husband is still attracted to me after I became a mom and gained weight. But he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, and I am sure your husband feels the same way about you! Anyway, I don’t know if you have tried this already, but my favorite thing so far to lose weight is Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. I actually had a lot of progress and fast before I got pregnant again and had to stop. Plus the dvd is pretty cheap, I think it was less than $20.

  2. Ms Kate says:

    Aww thank you Camille 🙂 I do think an awful lot of feeling like this is things from the past, but some days it just takes over, and I get very down.
    I’ll look into the 30 Day Shred, thanks for the idea!

  3. Camille says:

    Yeah, it is hard to get over the past… I know I still remember getting bullied in grade school. x_X And by the way, thanks for your comment on my blog!

  4. Ms Kate says:

    I checked out your blog, and have put it on my reader list!

  5. I just wanted to say hi, I saw this post and HAD to read it, then HAD to write something. I’m not even sure what there is to say but be kind to yourself. That woman who you have so harshly judged is a beloved mother, exceptional writer and giver of facials. There is always more steps to take in our journey, or in my experience there is anyway. Good luck. xo

  6. Mrs K says:

    Thank you so much for your comment. It’s a hard road, and some days are easier than others. I do appreciate your comments so much. Thank you.

  7. Helen says:

    I agree – being healthy is far more important than how we look! And with that in mind, I suggest that you get a book from Amazon called “Diet Evolution” by Dr Steven Gundry. Why do that? Well last year my husband had a heart operation (5 bypasses) and then was told he had diabetes. He weighed in at 125kgs last July, and now weighs 105kgs with more to go. He follows the Diet Evolution program. I have joined him as his support person as I know that it is easier when someone does these programs with you. My side effect – I have dropped a dress size (which is great)! I have always eaten healthy, and the book helped me to embrace a paradigm shift. So get a copy and see what you think.