Fat and Ugly

I have body issues. Always have had, and probably always will have. I know this is in part because of the bulling that I suffered.

I am fat. I am fully aware of this. I look awful in most clothes. I know what size I wear. I can take things off the shelf and will know if they will fit or not. I am aware of my size. I always thought I had a pretty face, just my body let it down.

So this story is hard for me to tell.

The other day I gave Miss S a facial, her first one ever. And while I was doing this, Mr S took some photos of us. I was excited. It was such a special bonding time for us, and I really enjoyed it. Miss S had a great time. It was just awesome.

So later on, when Miss S was fast asleep in bed, I looked over the photos that Mr S had taken. I was in shock. Who the hell was that fat, ugly woman in the pictures? Did I really look that bad? I had rolls everywhere, every inch I saw was just fat and more fat. Rolls on top of rolls. I cried. I honestly can’t believe, even now, that it was me. That I actually look that bad.

I have been this weight now for almost 8 years, after losing 40 kilos, I have plateaued. I have looked this bad for 8 years.

This started me down a very dangerous path. “Why does Mr S want to be with this?”

I don’t know what to do.

* A note to add that I am under specialist team regarding my diabetes, and due to medications I am on, I am not able to lose weight easily. They have told me time and time again that my health is more important than my weight.

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